Back on the lithium I go. I hate taking it. I know I have to take it, I have this disorder... and its not going anywhere. I have been on some sort of mood altering drug since I was 13. Its just such a hard concept to accept. My brain does not work like most people's. I have seen such darkness and light, through my bipolar. I have been severely immobilized by my depression at times, not even able to function a normal day to day life. On the other hand I have had great moments of mania, that I really enjoyed.
I can't imagine its easy for people who are not mentally ill to understand. The best way I can think to describe it is to give you a scenario. Say you were told that you had to permanently remove a part of your personality, something that makes you who you are as a person. It may be a part of you that you really enjoy sometimes, but then "poof" its gone, as if it never were. Ultimately, you end up feeling as though part of you is missing. Sane people always just assume its as simple as taking a pill to make you feel better. But if the tables were turned and you had to take a pill that effected the way your brain worked; the core system of your whole being....would you swallow that pill?
Now, I know I am a better wife, mother, and person with the medications. I will be taking medications for the rest of my life, but that doesn't make it any easier. After 16 years of treatment there is one thing I still have yet to understand. Am I really being who I am supposed to be if I am taking a part of myself away.....? Lithium really is a hard pill to swallow.
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6 comments:
Thank you for describing how I also feel. The mania is hard to let go of...esp. if if is hypo-mania...the type where you are not really doing anything "crazy"...but just are very energetic, happy, and productive. Thanks again.
Beth...I know exactly what you are saying or feeling as I have Bipolar too. Fortunately I am not on lithium, but on other stuff. I know its not always easy but we are true suvivors and only God can lead us on the right path.
I have to thank you for this post. I have a history of bipolar disorder in my family and for the past couple of years have know, although undiagnosed, that I myself am suffering from this disorder.
I have been trying a natural approach to dealing with it and am happy with the results. The main reason I have not been diagnosed is because I am afraid of losing the mania! It is nice that someone else understands that! I love everything about it. The energy, the optimism, feeling like you can accomplish anything, invincibility almost! Moving a hundred miles an hour!
Thank you again for sharing your story!
I have depression, so I am in the boat with ya! I don't like taking pills everyday, but they are necessary to survive and thrive. Even on medication, I still don't feel like I got "all of me" back. Some of me is still out there somewhere and I keep looking to bring her back home :) but I did get most of me back, so I keep taking the pills.
I had a friend who was bipolar, in addition to dealing with other chronic health conditions. I always admired how dedicated he was to taking care of himself. There are not always ideal solutions, but he picked the ones that worked for him, for decades. He had a caring doctor who worked with him over his shifting needs; his wife of all people, was less understanding. He was undeterred, even helped others figure out and learn how to manage their disorders. "Better living through chemistry!" he'd say. Go you for doing what needs to be done.
Been being treated for depression for years, and last year my GP diagnosed ADD, my symptoms were depression, but a very strong sense of being completely overwhelmed. Started meds, helps some, but today i am in a darker place than I've ever been. Not suicidal, have a doctors appt tuesday to see about taking medical leave. Thank God for disability insurance! Think I need to go to psychiatrist to determine adult ADD, depression,anxiety, bipolar, check one or all of the above!
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