Lithum .... a hard pill to swallow

Back on the lithium I go. I hate taking it. I know I have to take it, I have this disorder... and its not going anywhere. I have been on some sort of mood altering drug since I was 13. Its just such a hard concept to accept. My brain does not work like most people's. I have seen such darkness and light, through my bipolar. I have been severely immobilized by my depression at times, not even able to function a normal day to day life. On the other hand I have had great moments of mania, that I really enjoyed.

I can't imagine its easy for people who are not mentally ill to understand. The best way I can think to describe it is to give you a scenario. Say you were told that you had to permanently remove a part of your personality, something that makes you who you are as a person. It may be a part of you that you really enjoy sometimes, but then "poof" its gone, as if it never were. Ultimately, you end up feeling as though part of you is missing. Sane people always just assume its as simple as taking a pill to make you feel better. But if the tables were turned and you had to take a pill that effected the way your brain worked; the core system of your whole being....would you swallow that pill?

Now, I know I am a better wife, mother, and person with the medications. I will be taking medications for the rest of my life, but that doesn't make it any easier. After 16 years of treatment there is one thing I still have yet to understand. Am I really being who I am supposed to be if I am taking a part of myself away.....? Lithium really is a hard pill to swallow.


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