Hello, my name is Beth, and I am an addict

Mental Health Monday

Only not in the traditional sense. While I have struggled with drug addiction in my teen years, it was something I was able to overcome. I think it was more of me trying to self medicate my bipolar disorder, vs. an actual drug addiction problem.

Nope, I am addicted to food. Even as a child I used to hoard food on my plate. I remember feeling a sense of panic, …..what if I wanted to have more, and it was all gone? So I would pack my plate full of food, and of course I was never able to eat it all. My weight didn’t become an issue until I graduated from high school.  Very gradually, I went from a size 6 to a 14. The weight came on slowly enough that I never noticed it, and would blame it on the clothes, not my weight. 

I got pregnant when I was 24 with my first son, I gained 80lbs with that pregnancy, 60lbs with the second (but I was starting out at a bigger weight). I used pregnancy as an excuse to eat whatever I wanted, I don’t think I once felt hunger in those 18 months. In reality you are only supposed to consume around 500 extra calories a day when you are pregnant, I was easily tripling that number. After giving birth I was a size 20, and weighed in at 220lbs. Here is me about 6 months pregnant with number 2 son.I hate  that picture, it is one of my worse “fat photos”.  One of my butt cheeks is the same width as my son!

I don’t even know how I let my weight get so out of control, the only logical reason I have, is that I never thought I was that fat. When I looked at myself through my minds eye, or even in a mirror, I saw a much thinner person. A tad delusional….? Yes, I guess I am great at fooling myself.

Food addiction is very real, its no different than any other addiction. Food consumes all of your thoughts, you eat more than you should,  and you abuse food and yourself in the process.

There are different forms of food addiction, there are those that overeat and are rail thin, because of bulimia. Than there are those that overeat and are morbidly obese.

Scientists believe food addiction is related to a faulty dopamine system in the brain (the pleasure/reward area). Many other factors influence it as well though, such as genetics, culture, and environment.

It is a very hard addiction to overcome, since you have to eat to live. I had 2 cancer scares in one year, that made me realize I needed to do something about my health. I now am the size I was in high school, and weigh a whole let less.

I still struggle with food every day. I think about it all the time, I love baking and I am always thinking of what I could be baking, or eating. I now have to exercise regularly and watch what I eat. I eat when I am bored, I eat when I am sad, or stressed. I eat just to eat.  I still have days where I binge eat, and feel disgusting and guilty the rest of the week. I have vowed to myself to never weigh more than 150lbs again, and plan to stick to that. It is not an easy addiction to have, and no, my food addiction is not out of control…..anymore.  I easily believe I could have ended up 300+lbs. if I had not had a “wake up call”. Sometimes life has a funny way of working itself out.

Anyone else struggle with food?

 

Go check out Confessions of a Moody Mommy and her “Good Day Tuesday” for tips on dealing with depression.