Don’t mess with Mama duck

Have you ever seen how a Mama duck defends her ducklings? She will take on predators far fiercer than herself. She will ruffle her feathers to make herself appear larger, quack loudly to distract, and nip at those that come in too close proximity.

I feel I am in Mama duck mode. Only one of my little ducklings is really fragile, and really difficult to safeguard.

I have tried to build myself up, make myself more grandiose. I have had to pull courage from places I didn’t even know existed. I have learned to build a pretty durable wall around myself, but my wall isn’t perfect, it waivers in strong winds.

I quack at a deafening level, sometimes the quacks are intermingled with my cries.

I have had to nip a few things in the bud. There are aspects of my life that were adding more stress to an already extremely stressful situation. I have had to take a temporary break from those things.

I will do anything with in my capabilities to keep my little ducklings safe.

But, doing so is no easy feat.

I am always on edge, I have lost the ability to relax. I am quick to temper with everyone, including myself…..especially myself.

I am under so much stress I wake up in pain, my whole body aches. I can sleep for hours, and still wake up wearied. I look like I have aged five years in a months time.

The not knowing is taking time off of my life. I never have the answers to anything. I never know when Ezra will get sick next, and I don’t know how he will respond to the chemo. I just don’t know.

I am completely in uncharted territories. His health, his life is what is at stake. I have to put so much effort in to keeping this little duckling of mine alive, its debilitating at times. On top of that, I must remember to take care of my own illness.

Part of me wants to throw my arms up and scream defeat. At this point there is something quasi appealing about a hospital bed in a mental ward. I never in a million years thought I would say that. That is how much stress I am under. If I had the time, I am sure a nervous breakdown would ensue, thank God for Mama duck mode.

I am coping as best I can. I am making an appointment today to go see my shrink. I may need to tweak my meds a little to get this anxiety under control. I hate admitting that, because I of course want to be able to take on my bipolar disorder, and Ezra’s cancer unassisted by the help of  any drugs.

I may have to declare temporary defeat to my anxious mind, but I will never declare defeat to Ezra’s cancer, never.

I will always keep my ducklings safe.

Don’t mess with Mama duck.