3 Months Out…..

 

Its been a little over three months since Ezra was diagnosed with Leukemia. Our lives have had to undergo some major changes in this time. I thought I would reflect on how we are all doing now that we have had some time to digest our new reality.

Ezra: Cancer has not slowed down my son….at all. Ezra will be put under and receive chemo in his brain and spine, and be his spunky 2 year old self as soon as the anesthesia wears off.

I have to think that maybe his age has helped him greatly with all of this. Maybe he takes it for what it is, or maybe he doesn’t even realize his life should be different? Its hard to say. Regardless, he is nothing short of amazing. He has patience and wisdom far beyond his years.

Rowan: Its really hard to know just how much of Ezra’s illness Rowan comprehends. I would say he thinks as long as Ezra is not in the hospital that Ezra is better.

Rowan has become much closer to Ezra since his diagnosis. I think he really missed him when he was in the hospital, and perhaps he grasped the seriousness of it all a little more than I give him credit for.

Rowan has started preschool which he really seems to love, and it also gives us all a break from each other.

Anthony: I don’t think I can speak on my husband’s behalf about this, but he is busy, very busy. He is in school full time, and working part time. He doesn’t have nearly as much time as me to sit and think about Ezra’s Cancer, which is good, I do enough for the both of us. I do know that he is extremely proud of both of his sons.

Myself: I think I have come a long way. When you are first handed over a diagnosis of Cancer for your child, you grieve. You grieve for many things, but mostly I think I grieved for the loss of a normal childhood for Ezra, and a normal family life for the rest of us. Cancer has taken over many aspects of our lives that we once had control over.

My husband and I have been able to have “the talk”. The what if Ezra dies talk. Although ALL is very curable, he stands a far greater chance of dying than a normal healthy 2 year old. I don’t think he will die from ALL, but I have to realize and accept that it is a very small possibility.

I recently read this in a book I was reading called: Beautiful Boy: A Father's Journey Through His Son's Addiction (highly recommended):

 “Along with this, I learned another lesson, a soul-shaking one: our children live or die with or with out us. No matter what we do, no matter how we agonize or obsess, we cannot choose for our children whether they live or die. It is a devastating realization, but also liberating.”

I sat and read, and re-read that statement. I can’t even explain what that statement means to me. The inexplicable truths of those words brought a new sense of peace to my mind.

I can only be the best parent and medical advocate to Ezra as I possibly can be. The final outcome is out of my control. That is what Cancer does, it takes your control, and so I have accepted that.

I still check in on Ezra at night to make sure he is breathing…..as if a Leukemia Monster is going to come into our house in the middle of the night and steal my son from me. Silly I know, but it is no different than when you are a new mother and do the same. You just can’t believe you were given this amazing gift, and are too scared it will be taken away in a heartbeat. I was just given the gift twice.

My mind will catch me off guard at times, like when I was changing Ezra’s diaper the other day, and my eyes welled up with tears. My child, my baby, who is still in diapers, has Cancer. The severity of our situation has a way of slapping me in the face when I least expect it.

Or when I have really hard days like this one, and I can’t control my tears in public. I spent the rest of that day trying to get bile stains out of everything. 

But, those days are the exception. We are truly a happy family again, and if anything we love and appreciate each other even more. We are only at the beginning of this really long road, but in three months we have traveled light years together.