Random Ramblings

I wish I could tell you all that it gets easier with time.

I wish I could tell you my anxiety and pain, roll off of my back now, that they have become akin to my being, one with my soul.

I wish I could tell you this, so that if your child got stricken with a deplorable life threatening ailment,  I could at least offer solace.

But I will not distort my truth.

It doesn’t get any easier. Certain parts, perhaps, but as a whole it has not gotten any less complex.

It never gets any easier to restrain my baby as people poke him with needles and prod him with machines.

It never gets any easier to watch him cry, or to listen to those heart wrenching screams of his.

It never gets any easier to look into his pleading eyes, and not be able to answer those pleas.

It doesn’t get any easier to watch him hooked up to an IV pole with toxins dripping into his bloodstream, contaminating him for a cure.

I wish I could fix this, I yearn to fix this.

I wish I could heal him, mend him up, and make him a thriving two year old again.

I wish I didn’t know about spinal taps, chemotherapy, and blood counts. How I hate my new found knowledge.

I wish things could go back to how they were before.

When my biggest concerns were getting my boys through the day, not keeping one of them alive.

Just when I think I have accepted Ezra’s leukemia, I fall apart again.

I find something new to vex over.

I have so much underlying anxiety, I don’t even know most of it exists.

I am no longer just a mother, and a wife.

I am saving a life, I am on constant vigil.

I am just so fearful of the unknown, its eating me alive.

In the grand scheme of things, I know he is going to be fine.

I know he will get a gold star in cancer ass kicking.

I know we will beat this.

The cure rate is phenomenal for his type of leukemia, its just that small grey area that worries me. 

I have moments where I emotionally berate myself, because I feel as his mother, I should be able to fix this.

And I can’t.

I can’t make it better.

My love alone won’t cure him.

That my friends, is one of the hardest parts to accept.

I can’t wrap myself around him, hold him close and cure him with my kisses.

I can only care for him as best as I possibly can, and have faith that his doctors know how to cure his tainted blood.

I thought I knew pain and heartache.

I thought we were old friends.

I was disconcerted when that friend betrayed me. I didn’t think I  could possibly be worthy of so much remorse in one lifetime.

But such is life.

Horrid things happen to really virtuous people. Amazing things happen to really immoral people.

Babies get cancer and morons win the lottery.

While fairness is a commendable notion in theory, it is just not plausible.

Life is not fair, it does not play favorites.

Revel in your bliss, count your blessings each and every day, you never know when life may throw you a deviant curve ball.

I can not stress it enough…life is too short!

Live with no regrets. Love freely. Flourish in everything you do.

 

 

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