Tides

 

My manic depression ebbs and flows like the tides.

I have been without medication for one week now, it will be another two weeks, before I am able to be seen and get my prescriptions.

This happens every now and then, calendar pages turn, and appointments go unnoticed. I am too occupied tending to the health needs of everyone else, and in the process I neglect my own.

And so, the manic tide discreetly tiptoes upon me. It flows so gently, that its hard to sense its approach.

It starts out innocently enough.

Like parking the car slightly more askew than I normally do.

Or leaving every single cupboard in the kitchen ajar, multiple lights on, and myself no where to be seen.

As if a whirlwind of a person tore through our home.

My memory becomes clouded. I can set something down, turn on a dime, and not remember ten seconds later where I placed it….multiple times a day.

With it, the tide brings to shore creativity,  ingenuity, and effortless words.

My thoughts will start as a power walk, then jog, and finally burst into a full on run. It is a slow moving pace though, gradual enough to trick my mind into thinking everything is copacetic.

A typical thought race will usually go something like this:

 Ezra is almost done with Delayed Intensification. We must celebrate. The beach. Ooo sunsets. Christmas is coming. The boys like trains. I should shop on Ebay for trains. I love Ebay, I should look at antique phones. Antique phones are so neat. Wouldn’t it be amazing to have a collection of antique phones. Ezra loves Percy, I should get him a wooden one. I wonder if Ebay has vintage My Little Ponies.  I should go to more garage sales. I need to bake some Christmas cookies. I forgot about Thanksgiving, I need to plan a menu. What do you think Martha is making. I love Martha. I need to edit some more photos. Chemo appointment tomorrow at 2. If I count sheep will I fall asleep…one, two, three…the cartoon Shaun the Sheep scares me, why don’t they talk. I like sheep, but they smell. I wonder how my virtual farm is doing. We should get a pet chicken, like I had as a kid. RIP in Hawk. I am tired. Why can’t I sleep.

All of these thoughts will have taken place with in a matter of seconds, and they don’t stop.

The last time I fell asleep as my head hit the pillow, was when I was a child. Even on medications, it still races at night.

Last night was the first night it was particularly hard to fall asleep. I remember thinking to myself- I feel so amazing right now, so happy, maybe these medications are weighing me down.

Fast forward to this morning, when I found myself so quick to temper I was dropping F bombs on feral cats in my yard.

I hate that. I hate the irritability and impatience that goes hand in hand with the happiness. Its a cruel combination.

I want so badly to have a normal mind. To live my life off of these toxic anti-depressants, anti-psychotics, and mood stabilizers. It is just not viable.

And so I will wait.

I will wait until the tides turn. Until the ebb dredges up those fragmented thoughts and brings them out to sea.

Until the sun is directly above me, shining on my waters.

And only then will my sea will be calm again.