Simple Strawberry Sauce

At the height of strawberry season I was running out of strawberry ideas, so I turned to Allrecipes to see what else I could make with my mass amount of strawberries.  I found this recipe..and loved it! I have used it for waffles, and ice cream, the possibilities are endless. 

Ingredients:

• 1 pint strawberries, cleaned and stemmed
• 1/3 cup white sugar
• 1 teaspoon vanilla

Directions:

In a saucepan over medium high heat, combine strawberries, sugar and vanilla. Cook, stirring occasionally, until sauce thickens, about 5 minutes. Remove from heat. In a blender, puree.  Store in refrigerator.

 

Link up if you have a recipe, craft, or something great you made.

Don’t mess with Mama duck

Have you ever seen how a Mama duck defends her ducklings? She will take on predators far fiercer than herself. She will ruffle her feathers to make herself appear larger, quack loudly to distract, and nip at those that come in too close proximity.

I feel I am in Mama duck mode. Only one of my little ducklings is really fragile, and really difficult to safeguard.

I have tried to build myself up, make myself more grandiose. I have had to pull courage from places I didn’t even know existed. I have learned to build a pretty durable wall around myself, but my wall isn’t perfect, it waivers in strong winds.

I quack at a deafening level, sometimes the quacks are intermingled with my cries.

I have had to nip a few things in the bud. There are aspects of my life that were adding more stress to an already extremely stressful situation. I have had to take a temporary break from those things.

I will do anything with in my capabilities to keep my little ducklings safe.

But, doing so is no easy feat.

I am always on edge, I have lost the ability to relax. I am quick to temper with everyone, including myself…..especially myself.

I am under so much stress I wake up in pain, my whole body aches. I can sleep for hours, and still wake up wearied. I look like I have aged five years in a months time.

The not knowing is taking time off of my life. I never have the answers to anything. I never know when Ezra will get sick next, and I don’t know how he will respond to the chemo. I just don’t know.

I am completely in uncharted territories. His health, his life is what is at stake. I have to put so much effort in to keeping this little duckling of mine alive, its debilitating at times. On top of that, I must remember to take care of my own illness.

Part of me wants to throw my arms up and scream defeat. At this point there is something quasi appealing about a hospital bed in a mental ward. I never in a million years thought I would say that. That is how much stress I am under. If I had the time, I am sure a nervous breakdown would ensue, thank God for Mama duck mode.

I am coping as best I can. I am making an appointment today to go see my shrink. I may need to tweak my meds a little to get this anxiety under control. I hate admitting that, because I of course want to be able to take on my bipolar disorder, and Ezra’s cancer unassisted by the help of  any drugs.

I may have to declare temporary defeat to my anxious mind, but I will never declare defeat to Ezra’s cancer, never.

I will always keep my ducklings safe.

Don’t mess with Mama duck.

Thought Provoking Thursday

If you could have one hour to spend an unlimited amount of money in any store, where would it be?

 

My Answer:

 

Hands down! I could redo my whole house! I love Pottery Barn, but I rarely shop there because of the price. Instead I order the catalogs and dream…..

Butterfly Rainforest

The museum in our town has a really cool butterfly exhibit. I was able to take my aunt, and Rowan to it briefly last week. I got some really pretty pictures, if only I didn’t have a 4 year old tugging on my leg the whole time, there may have been less blur.

It had just rained, so all the flowers and plants were perfect for photographing.

“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.” ~Maya Angelou

“The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough.” ~Rabindranath Tagore

“The butterfly is a flying flower,
The flower a tethered butterfly.”
~Ponce Denis Écouchard Lebrun

“Beautiful and graceful, varied and enchanting, small but approachable, butterflies lead you to the sunny side of life. And everyone deserves a little sunshine.” ~Jeffrey Glassberg

“Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.” ~Nathaniel Hawthorne

"Just living is not enough," said the butterfly, "one must have sunshine, freedom and a little flower." ~Hans Christian Anderson

Are you there God? Its me, Beth.

First off, let me tell you I think you are doing a dynamite job. However, I think there is always room for some betterment. Can you please tie on my shoes for a moment, and lend me your ear?

We have been in the hospital nearing a month now, and I have witnessed some really sick children.

At times its almost too much for my heart to take in. I watch these kids with their strained smiles and forced movements, as they battle with life  day in, and day out.

Here is where I suggest you implement some change. I don’t think children should know chronic pain, or illness. I have spent many a sleepless night trying to make sense of it all. I just can’t seem to find the good in it.

Children should ride bikes, run through sprinklers, and laugh until their sides hurt. They should know the pain of a skinned knee, not that of a needle, they should grow up surrounded by the four walls of a home, not a hospital.

These illnesses rob kids of their youthful innocence…. the very last thing that should ever be taken from someone. Its not fair to have to grow up so fast, laugh so little, and look death square in the eye.

I propose instead of children getting sick or dying, how about you give these afflictions to criminals? You see, we would free up jail space, tax dollars, and rid the world of corrupt people….win, win, win.

Its just my two cents, it may not be worth a lot, but its all I got. I tend to think the world would be a little finer of a place if we threw some fairness into the mix.

I am sure you have your reasons for sick children, its just really hard to see from where I stand in my shoes.

Keep up the fantastic work,

Yours truly, Beth

I Heart Faces, Lets hear it for the boys!

“A boy is a noise with dirt on it.”

When you leave a 2 year old, and a 4 year old unattended with a hose, you get mud. Mud everywhere, even in your hair.

Happy Father’s Day Love!

"Close your eyes
Have no fear
The monsters gone
he's on the run
And your Daddy's here
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful Boy."

-John Lennon

I thought the above quote was very fitting…it made me cry. My husband is the most amazing father to our boys.

My husband was adopted, so he has always felt he has been lacking that blood link that ties people together. I can’t pretend to know what that is like, but I do know that our boys mean the world to him. Family means the world to him.

This is a man that went to school after the birth of Rowan,  to get an education and a better paying job to support us.

This is a man that is now going back to school again (pre-med) to get an even higher education, and better pay, to support us even further.

This is a man who works and goes to school full time and still finds time for his sons. This is a man that knows Ezra’s medications by heart, and notices the slightest change in anything (even before I do).

This is a man that carries the weight of the world on his shoulders, and asks for nothing in return.

I can’t brag enough about how great of a father he is. He would do anything for our 2 boys, anything.

I love you babe, thanks for being amazing!

The Best News!

To read the best news ever, go here please.

Fun Fact Friday

These are not the most fun facts out there , but the point of me doing my fun fact Friday is to educate, so here it goes.

Here are some facts about childhood leukemia.

- Leukemia is the most common cancer in children and adolescents. It accounts for about 1 out of 3 cancers in children. Overall, however, childhood leukemia is a rare disease.

- Of the estimated 1,380 deaths in children aged 0 to 14 in 2009, about one-third will be from leukemia.

- Acute lymphocytic leukemia (ALL) accounts for approximately 70% of the leukemia cases among children ages 0 to 19 years. Most of the remaining cases will be acute myelogenous leukemia (AML). Cases of AML are more spread out across the childhood years, although it is slightly more common during the first 2 years of life and during the teenage years. Chronic leukemias are rare in children.

- ALL is slightly more common among white children than among African-American and Asian-American children and is more common in boys than in girls. AML occurs equally among boys and girls of all races.

- The 5-year survival rate for ALL in children has greatly increased over time and is now more than 80%. This is mainly due to advances in treatment. The 5-year survival rate for children with AML has also increased over time, and is now more than 50%

- Leukemia is a cancer of the early blood-forming cells. Most often, the leukemia is a cancer of the white blood cells, but leukemia can involve other blood cell types as well.

Thought Provoking Thursday

If you could make one fairytale or fable come true with you in it, which would you choose?

My Answer: By far my favorite childhood story is Peter Pan, I would love to be Wendy. The story is so whimsical it would be unbelievable to live it!

Your turn! Leave your answer in the comments or grab my button (in right sidebar) and do Thought Provoking Thursday on your blog, ask my question or one of your own.

Cancer Lottery

The lottery no one wants to win.

I have always felt that we as humans in our lifetimes, are bound to get some sort of cancer. It may be insignificant, an easy mole to remove, or maybe something more serious like leukemia.

Unbeknownst to ourselves we buy weekly tickets, and are entered into the big  Cancer drawing. 

Perhaps you buy more tickets then most, increasing your odds.

Maybe you smoke, drink too much, worship the sun, or have bad genes.

Regardless, I feel the majority of us will get a wining ticket…. Call me a pessimist, call me a realist, its just how I feel.

I had to have pre-cancerous cells removed from my cervix last year, which was a nightmare. The cells were one stage away from being cancer…One tiny little step, from my numbers being called.

I also had a lemon sized tumor attached to my adrenal gland last year, that I had to have removed….could of been the winning ticket, but it was benign.

I thought last year was the worst year of my life.

Turns out it can get worse.

Your baby’s numbers can get called.

The up side is that maybe this is it for Ezra, maybe he will only “win” once.  Maybe he will never have cancer again.

Maybe he is lucky to get it over with, to remember little, and bounce back unscathed.

But seriously people….don’t try to increase your odds.

You are not invincible. Put down the cigarette, wear lots of sunscreen, and drink in moderation. Ladies, do regular self exams, and make sure to get a yearly pap.

Chemotherapy is nothing you ever want to experience….trust me.

Life is too short, and its far from fair.

Take care of yourself.

Do everything you can to decrease those winning odds.

Cancer sucks.

 

 

How has Cancer affected your life?

How to make a tutu, Giveaway, and Manic Martha Moment

 

I’m back. Its Manic Martha Moment time, to play along read the rules here. Luckily I had made this little costume before the whole my baby has cancer incident. I know you are probably all asking yourselves why the hell am I making a fairy costume, don’t I have 2 boys? Why..? Because I can, and because I am crazy and this seemed brilliant at some point to me.  And now I can give it away! I am saddened by the lack of all things pink and frilly in my life. I adored making this costume a tad too much. You better believe you will see me in one for Halloween!

I am not going to give you the full directions to make a tutu, just provide the link to the youtube video I watched, and you too can figure it out. Here is the video link. Easy peasy. I should include that I sewed together a piece of elastic to make mine, I thought it would be easier for a little girl to dress herself with then having to tie a ribbon.

 

I completely made up the other parts of the costume, for the wings I tied some tulle to them, the headband I sewed a flower onto and added some more tulle, and the wand..well that was a many step project. I will have to make another and take pictures and and write directions another time.

So up for grabs is this adorable little fairy costume, I would say it would best fit about a 4 year old, but would fit 2-6 because of the elastic.

How do you win you ask? Easy.

- Just leave a comment telling me why you want this costume. =1 entry

- Follow Manic Mother (current followers you count too) = 1 entry

- Do Manic Martha Moment on your blog = 3 entries (comment 3x, and leave your link in the Mr. Linky)

- Donate $5.00 or more dollars to Ezra’s fund via my Paypal link (top right sidebar) = 3 entries (comment 3x and leave your paypal id)

- Follow me on Twitter and Tweet about this giveaway = 1 entry

- Grab my Manic Mother button, or an Ezra one = 1 entry

One winner will be chosen in 2 weeks.

Once again here are the not so official rules to Manic Martha Moment.

All right, now lets see what everyone else made, please write what you made instead of your name in the Mr. Linky , and then the link to your post.

I Heart Faces - Sepia

I have been wanting to do I Heart Faces for awhile, just have not made the time. With Ezra being in the hospital, I have had lots of time to sit on my computer, so I figured what better time to start! I probably won’t do it every week, only when I have a picture for the category.

I took this picture of Ezra a month or so ago, we were playing outside and Ezra’s big brother stole something out of his hands…it was cause for tears.

Check out other peoples photos here.

For Ezra

Its finally up! Thanks so much to Leslie for creating this, its so perfect!

The For Ezra blog will be where I go into detail about his medical happenings. I plan to still write about my feelings and such on my Manic Mother blog, but for those of you that want all the dirt, sign up to follow For Ezra.

Thanks again everybody for your support.

Making a comeback

I fully plan to start back to my blogging routine next week. I finally figured out the internet in the hospital, so I am working on posts for next week. I figure if I can get a week ahead maybe I can keep up with it!

There will even be a Manic Martha Moment (next Tuesday), complete with a giveaway…..because that’s how I roll! No baby cancer is going to slow me down! A lot of you are new here (welcome!) so here is a link to what Manic Martha Moment is. For those of you that have played along in the past, please play again, it will make my day, and newbies please play too!

I really miss blogging, it is such a great place for me to record and share my manic thoughts and actions. I intend to keep this blog going, as well as have another one just for Ezra. I have been told by many other moms with cancer kids that it does get easier…I have to have faith in that.

See you real soon!

Back to the hospital we go….

So our great news was short lived when Ezra woke up with a fever on Thursday.

The cancer Dr. had told us early on that they don’t usually lose kids to leukemia, but they lose them to infections. So I knew it was imperative to get him to the hospital. Fevers are the first sign of infection.

Ezra got so sick, so quickly, I really thought I was losing him, he looked awful. When we got to the ER they immediately started him on antibiotics and fluids. They start the antibiotics before they even confirm the infection, because time is precious if it is an infection.

We spent almost all day in the ER because they could not find us a bed, then after they found a bed they decided to move him to PICU anyway, because he was having low blood pressure.

The next day they confirmed that he did indeed have a blood infection.

I can’t even tell you how many RN’s and Dr.’s have told me I did the right thing by bringing him in so quickly.

This would have killed him had we not gotten immediate medical attention.

Wow that is scary to type.

This is common for children with ALL, it happens, and you just have to be diligent in monitoring your child.

So now Ezra has to stay in the hospital for 10-14 days to receive antibiotics through his IV.

He has already received a blood transfusion which helped with his blood pressure. And he is getting pumped with antibiotics and fluids.

The good news is by the time he gets out we will be done with the first phase of his chemo treatment, which is the hardest, most intense phase. It greatly compromises Ezra’s system.

A very kind soul is helping me set up another blog just for Ezra updates. So I will let you all know when that is complete so you can look there for updates.

I had hoped to get back to my Manic Mother blogging routine this week, but it must wait a couple more weeks.

I miss my camera, my kitchen aide, and my creative outlet!

Thanks again for all the support, we feel so loved!

Great News

Ezra’s bone marrow biopsy results finally came in this morning. They hope for your child’s cancer cells to be below 5% at the first test, Ezra’s are at 1-2%! We don’t have to have him retested until day 28, and if then he is under .1 (which is looking favorable) he will be considered a rapid early responder.

Huge weight off my shoulders, I know that his little body is fighting the cancer, and winning.  Lets just hope his blood counts go back up and we don’t have to have a blood transfusion on Thursday, and things would be perfect!

Thanks for all the support and prayers, my family really appreciates it!

Coping when your child has Cancer

  

Caution: Fragmented thoughts

Last week I cried in a complete strangers arms. I had gone to cancel my gym membership to save money, she asked the reason for the cancellation. I told her my son has cancer, I saw her eyes well up at my pain, and I choked up, and found my self in the embrace of a complete stranger.

This is a nightmare. I keep waiting for someone to nudge me, to wake me up, tell me I am having a bad dream.

When at the toy store with Rowan last week, I had an epiphany. As we walked around, I saw all of these people smiling and laughing. It upset me. I wanted to scream… “Why are you laughing and smiling, don’t you know my baby has cancer!!!”

Yes, my story may sadden you, may cause a moment of pause and reflection in your day. But, your days go on, you can donate, blog, and say a prayer….but your lives go on.

Only our world has screeched to a halt. The sky is only falling over my house.

I look for answers, where there are none. I want to blame something, only there is nothing to blame. So my questions go unanswered.

Around 3,500 kids are diagnosed with leukemia a year. That number is tiny, a grain of sand on the beach. Why my sweet little boy? Why do children even get cancer? Its just not right.    

When the first Dr. mentioned leukemia, I got nauseous. I thought I was going to throw up. Leukemia,…. it even sounds like vomit.

Every time I would read a sad story on the web about another parents heart ache over a sick or lost child, I would count my blessings. Thankful, it was not me. For I knew that if it was me, I wouldn’t be able to handle it. It would cause me too much heart ache and pain, and my bipolar disorder would eat me alive.

Here I am though, trudging through it, remaining strong. You have to. You have no other choice.

So to cope, I cry.

I cry a lot.

I cry when I peek in on Ezra and see him sleeping so soundly, so innocently.

I cry when he screams “NO!”.

I cry when Rowan acts out, because I know it is causing him pain too.

I cry when Ezra cries on the way to the hospital, because he recognizes the route.

I cry when someone offers me condolence.

I cry laying in bed at night, alone with my thoughts.

I cry because my mind wanders where its shouldn’t.

I cry at the compassion of complete strangers.

I cry for the loss of Ezra’s early childhood.

I cry when I think too far ahead.

I cry at the unfairness of it all.

I cry because my husband is the most amazing man ever.

I cry because none of our lives will ever be normal again.

I cry because Ezra doesn’t understand why we keep letting people hurt him.

I cry because I can count on one hand how many times I have seen him smile in the last week.

I cry for the loss of all of our freedom.

I cry for the loss of his laughter.

I cry because I can’t make it better with a kiss and a band-aid.

I cry when I see Ezra walk, his bones so stiff.

I cry because there is an enormous elephant in my room.

I cry because I don’t have the answers.

I cry for his curls.

I cry because I don’t think my house is safe or clean enough.

I cry because the world has become a scary germ infested place that could kill my son.

I cry for the loss of all control.

I cry because I am tired.

I cry.

The crying has tapered off now, since the initial shock is over. I am slowly putting the pieces of myself back together.

I know it will become easier for all of us, as this becomes our new normal.

You never know what you are truly capable of, until it is thrown at you. I have amazed myself.

We will be strong, and we will conquer cancer.