Wednesday, September 30, 2009

The Witching Month

I can’t remember if I made this last year or the year before…anyway I saw this Halloween advent calendar in the Pottery Barn catalog. I knew I had to have one, but did not want to pay $60 for it! This is Pottery Barn’s.

pbarn

walk 108a

Sometimes it pays to be manic! Did I mention I did all the sewing by hand. I was going to do a tutorial on how to make one, but life got in the way..next year I will write it.

We had a Christmas advent calendar growing up and I loved it. When I saw this idea I decided we would do a Halloween advent calendar instead of Christmas…it helps break up all the gifts and spending!

Rowan thinks that a witch comes every night and leaves him and Ezra a present. Its so fun for them…plus I tell them they have to behave or the witch won’t come….this witch has leverage!

Happy Witching Month!




Monday, September 28, 2009

I Heart Faces-“Blue”

orlando 036

I haven’t done one of these in awhile, but I have been going through pictures lately and saw the theme this week, and I knew I had a picture. Here is Ro sitting underneath one of those umbrella fountain things.




Manic Mother Photography

 

MM Photography header

I haven’t been blogging as much because I have been busy working on a new venture. I will now be doing photography on the side, in efforts to generate extra income for us. So if you live in the north central Florida area, go check it out. I am charging very little to begin with to get more experience, and more customers. I am up for photographing just about anything, so just email or call if your interested. Check out the site here Manic Mother Photography.




Thursday, September 24, 2009

Random Ramblings

I wish I could tell you all that it gets easier with time.

I wish I could tell you my anxiety and pain, roll off of my back now, that they have become akin to my being, one with my soul.

I wish I could tell you this, so that if your child got stricken with a deplorable life threatening ailment,  I could at least offer solace.

But I will not distort my truth.

It doesn’t get any easier. Certain parts, perhaps, but as a whole it has not gotten any less complex.

It never gets any easier to restrain my baby as people poke him with needles and prod him with machines.

It never gets any easier to watch him cry, or to listen to those heart wrenching screams of his.

It never gets any easier to look into his pleading eyes, and not be able to answer those pleas.

It doesn’t get any easier to watch him hooked up to an IV pole with toxins dripping into his bloodstream, contaminating him for a cure.

I wish I could fix this, I yearn to fix this.

I wish I could heal him, mend him up, and make him a thriving two year old again.

I wish I didn’t know about spinal taps, chemotherapy, and blood counts. How I hate my new found knowledge.

I wish things could go back to how they were before.

When my biggest concerns were getting my boys through the day, not keeping one of them alive.

Just when I think I have accepted Ezra’s leukemia, I fall apart again.

I find something new to vex over.

I have so much underlying anxiety, I don’t even know most of it exists.

I am no longer just a mother, and a wife.

I am saving a life, I am on constant vigil.

I am just so fearful of the unknown, its eating me alive.

In the grand scheme of things, I know he is going to be fine.

I know he will get a gold star in cancer ass kicking.

I know we will beat this.

The cure rate is phenomenal for his type of leukemia, its just that small grey area that worries me. 

I have moments where I emotionally berate myself, because I feel as his mother, I should be able to fix this.

And I can’t.

I can’t make it better.

My love alone won’t cure him.

That my friends, is one of the hardest parts to accept.

I can’t wrap myself around him, hold him close and cure him with my kisses.

I can only care for him as best as I possibly can, and have faith that his doctors know how to cure his tainted blood.

I thought I knew pain and heartache.

I thought we were old friends.

I was disconcerted when that friend betrayed me. I didn’t think I  could possibly be worthy of so much remorse in one lifetime.

But such is life.

Horrid things happen to really virtuous people. Amazing things happen to really immoral people.

Babies get cancer and morons win the lottery.

While fairness is a commendable notion in theory, it is just not plausible.

Life is not fair, it does not play favorites.

Revel in your bliss, count your blessings each and every day, you never know when life may throw you a deviant curve ball.

I can not stress it enough…life is too short!

Live with no regrets. Love freely. Flourish in everything you do.

 

 

© Copyright 2009 Manic Mother




Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Small Town Florida

I took some “me” time this week and drove a little bit out of town to a little town known for its antique shops.

antiques sign

I just figured I could take some pictures, and enjoy my free time. The town has lots of old buildings also.

micanopy inn Like this inn.

green and pink house

And cute little houses.

 church steeple

And churches.

micanopy church

church stain glass 

Church windows.

old brick building

More old buildings, all of the textures were really neat.

old door brick

And really cool old doors.

blue door with rusty lock

I heart this picture.

old door lock

 

old brick window

And neat old windows.

blue framed window

 

painted coca cola on barn

This was painted on the side of a wooden building.

street lamp

It was all in the detail….so quaint.

micanopy building

More cute buildings.

ivy covered building

 

old schwinn bike

  I fell in love with this bike.

old schwinn bike

An old Schwinn.

bike mirror

Me in the bike mirror…why don’t bikes come with mirrors anymore…?

Scwinn old spedometer

 

old schwinn bike wheel

 

micanopy road

And then I drove around on roads like this, and found myself in a very unexpected place, but that is for another post….




Monday, September 21, 2009

What Depression Feels Like….

 typewriter copy

Envision yourself free falling into complete darkness.

You fall, and you fall some more, you are spinning and contorting as you fall.

You try to scream but nothing comes out, and so you cry. You cry until you think your whole being may just explode from all of the pressure.

You taste the bile at the back of your throat, and the salt of the tears that are falling into you open silent screaming mouth.

You can hardly breathe, each breath is a labor of exertion, and you are so very wearied and wasted.

You keep thinking surely you will hit the bottom soon, you have been caught in this timeless plunge for so long.

But your feet don’t ever touch the ground, you just keep falling.

You are suspended in an everlasting free fall into darkness, for hours, days, and months.

This is what depression feels like.

It takes your breath, sanity, and balance away.

I have had these feelings more times than I care to count, some times it lasts only a few days, other times it has lasted over a year.

An ample part of my life was spent struggling to find myself, catch my breath, and land both of my feet on the ground.

Once in the spring of 1993, I hit the ground.

I hit it with a soul shattering thud, and each breath was now stabbing me in the chest. I was marred, wounded, and internally bleeding.

I had to put myself out of this misery.

The only way to rid myself of this fierce pain, was to not be able to feel it at all.

I had to kill myself.

I could not live in this much agony anymore.

I was thirteen.

 

to be continued…….

© Copyright 2009 Manic Mother




Friday, September 18, 2009

Manic Mother Memoirs

 

typewriter copy

I have already mentioned that I would be sharing more of my writing with you. For years I used writing as a form of therapy for myself. I stopped shortly after having children…there wasn’t the idle time anymore to sit with a pen and paper at a coffee shop daydreaming and recording my thoughts. I by no means know what I am doing, I have no formal training or education, and I am for the most part a grammatical nightmare, but I enjoy writing.

After Ezra was diagnosed with Leukemia, I had to write, it was as though a flame was lit underneath me. I knew I needed that therapy that writing provided in my life again. Not only have I been thinking and writing about Ezra, but it has brought a lot of my past to light for me as well.

I have always known I have a story to tell, and a book to write. My life has faced times of major turmoil, happiness, and change, its fair to say I spent about a decade of my life in some degree of emotional turmoil. I have decided to start sharing some of those stories with you all. Some of them won’t be easy to write or read. But like I said, I have a story to tell…. Until book publishers are knocking on my door , I will be writing parts of my story here to share with you.

I will be calling it the “Manic Mother Memoirs”. I have no clue how often I will post these stories, I imagine I will have to break them up into parts, to keep you in suspense.

Since starting this blog, I have had many people thank me for my candor with my bipolar disorder. So, why not share and possibly help some more people, to feel less alone.

Look for the first one this Monday!




Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Welcome!

I just wanted to take a minute and thank and welcome all of you that are new and old readers to my blog. All of you left such wonderful comments yesterday on my blog. They made me laugh, they made me cry. To welcome the new readers I thought I would give a quick dose of my sweet boy. He ate pizza today, and wanted to let you all know he appreciates all the prayers and thoughts coming his way. See….?

CoffeeShop Five Storyboard

Its all in the face, it says thank you all over it….or maybe that is pizza. Regardless, welcome, and thank you!




Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Featured Blogger on SITS

 

Look at me, look at me! Today is my day.

What the heck are you talking about some of you say?

mom2

Its my day to gleam in the SITS spotlight, and revel in glee.

Because today the SITSta’s will be coming to visit me.

 

Welcome ladies, pull up a seat.

Grab yourself a stiff drink and a sinful treat.

 mintcupcake411

This here is my blog, I call it Manic Mother.

Because well, I am a little crazy, quite like no other.

mecowboyhat

My house is chock full of testosterone.

There is me, my husband, and 2 boys at my home.

man4s

Rowan is four, and boy does it show.

He tests my patience daily, and is non-stop, go, go, go.

jump3

My littlest, sweet man, Ezra is two.

He was diagnosed with Leukemia, but what can you do?

ezraant1

You pick yourself up, you move on, you persevere.

You live life like never before, succumbing to no fear.

ezswing4

I love to bake, take pictures, read, and watch crap TV.

If you would like to know more you should check out “About Me”.

daf4 copy

You never know what you will find when you stop by here.

You may laugh out loud, or shed a few tears.

ezrat_edited-11

My blog is Manic like me, it takes Lithium too,

So stop back real soon, you never know what we may do.

 

Thanks for stopping in!

Monday, September 14, 2009

My Camera Gear

I have been asked several times what kind of camera do I use, so I figured I could just let everyone know with a post. Please take the poll in the left sidebar of my blog, I am trying to determine what everyone else is using! If enough of you out there are using DSLR’s I may come up with some more posts, so go cast your vote.

(Go to my actual blog if you are viewing this in reader it isn’t showing the links to my camera gear.)

Brand_New_Nikon_D80_Digital_camera__SLR__102_M 

I use a Nikon D80 DSLR. I bought it 2 Christmases ago for my husband, since he is a graphic designer, I figured it would come in handy. But now I use it far more then he does! So it was a great Christmas gift (for me).

I did hours of research before buying the D80. The best brand of cameras for DSLR’s are Nikon and Cannon. But I read more positive things about Nikons so I chose that brand. The D80 is an amazing camera and takes beautiful pictures. If I were buying a DSLR today I would buy the D90, because it has the ability to record video, which would be a great feature to have. If you are not looking to spend that much money for the D80 or D90, the D60 also got great reviews.

Keep in mind when you are buying these cameras they do not come with a lens, unless you buy a package deal.

Photography is no doubt an expensive hobby, I really don’t have that much “gear” yet, since it is so expensive. I am working on it though! The little I have acquired has taken me 2 years to get.

These are the lenses I own, I will explain them from left to right. My newest lens is the 50mm, and I love it! This lens has a 1.8 aperture, which means I can take pictures in low light with out having to use a flash, it also creates great bokeh, because of the high aperture.

farleyshark

This is my BFF Jenny, I took this picture with the 50mm, see how the background is all blurry, but she is in focus? That is bokeh. If I would have used any of my other lenses this picture would not have turned out, since this store is very dimly lit. The thing I don’t like about the 50mm is that is at a fixed focal length, meaning there is no zooming in or out. What you see is what you get.

The second lens up there is a 55-200mm, this was the first lens we got. This lens is best for shooting things from far away that you want to see closer. Like this barn shot.

barn11

I was much farther away than what this picture portrays, in fact I was on the other side of the road. This lens is great for landscapes, wildlife, sports photography, and paparazzi shots….and much more that I can’t think to list right now.

The last lens I own is the 18-55mm, I bought this lens for two reasons. One, so I could get close up shots of the kids faces with out having to be clear across the room, and secondly for taking close ups of food and flowers and such.

dahlia2

This picture was taken with that lens. I am really dying to get a Macro lens (Nikon 105mm f/2.8D AF Micro-Nikkor Lens for Nikon Digital SLR Cameras) , but they are not so cheap. A girl can dream, they can get super close like this.

macro-dragonfly-head-thumb-500x487 photo from Google Images

I also have this flash, which I rarely use. But there are certain circumstances where even my 50mm lens won’t cut it, and a flash is needed. Are you asking yourself…why would I buy a flash, doesn’t the camera come with one? The answer is yes, but its crap. Every book I have read about photography says do not use it at all. With an external flash you can point the light different ways so you won’t get those harsh shadows the internal flash causes.

 
That is all I have for now, (I am hoping Santa puts something Nikon in my stocking, but we shall see.)
 
If you are thinking about giving up the point and shoot for a DSLR, know that you will have to teach yourself (or take a class) on how to use the camera. While Auto mode can take a great picture, they won’t be much greater than what a point and shoot can give you. You will take much better pictures once you educate yourself about, aperture, shutter speed, ISO, and so much more.
 
I am by no means an expert, and I am still learning, but it is so much fun to learn, and so rewarding when you get priceless shots like this.
 

muddyrowan_edited-2




Thursday, September 10, 2009

I Am Done Tip-Toeing

When I first started this blog, I purposely strayed away from certain topics i.e. religion, and politics, because I did not want to offend any of my readers. Well, I am tired of being a people pleaser…life is too short.

After Ezra was diagnosed with Leukemia I looked at my blog differently, I knew I needed to make it more of a space for me, after all it is my creative outlet. So I started writing more about my feelings, putting myself more out there, and I plan to continue to do so. I plan to write a lot more about Ezra and my stories about my mental illness.

That being said, I have read and heard things this week that have just down right appalled me. I was so mad at the fuss that was being made over our President addressing our students.

When George Bush (senior) addressed the students, were there permission slips sent out? No, there were not. No one even thought twice about it.

I thought it was a slap in Obama’s face, the way people were treating it. This man has worked so hard, and overcome so many obstacles…and that is how we treat him? Is it because he is a Democrat, because he is black, or because he runs things differently than the last 8 years have been run?

Did people really think Obama was going to start spewing political propaganda to their children? Why would anyone think he was going to do that, how would that benefit anyone? Your children don’t care and most don’t even understand what health care reform is!

The people elected this man, we need to show him more respect, and appreciation. By telling your child they can’t listen to the President’s speech, you are basically saying, only respect and appreciate the President if he is of my political party. Which is just wrong, we should teach our children to respect the President regardless of his political stance, he is the President! Did you hear the speech? It was amazing, and motivational, and every child should have heard it. What a shame.

Secondly, how many of you caught Obama’s speech Wednesday night? I did, and it was amazing.

health

I made this status update on my Facebook page that night

“I love our president...and please don't complain about health care reform unless you are listening to what he has to say tonight :).”

It sparred a political debate with my friends so far there are 39 comments…and I am sure there will be more.

My favorite comment was from my friend Justin he said:

“Beth, isn't it funny how the same people who will defend a zygote's right to life, are the same people in favor of the status quo?

No abortions! But once that kid is breathing, you're on your own!-Ridiculous indeed.”

I am 100% for health care reform. Something needs to change. In case you missed the speech here is some of the key points.

- First, if you are among the hundreds of millions of Americans who already have health insurance through your job, or Medicare, or Medicaid, or the VA, nothing in this plan will require you or your employer to change the coverage or the doctor you have. Let me repeat this: Nothing in our plan requires you to change what you have.

- What this plan will do is make the insurance you have work better for you. Under this plan, it will be against the law for insurance companies to deny you coverage because of a preexisting condition.

- They will no longer be able to place some arbitrary cap on the amount of coverage you can receive in a given year or in a lifetime.  We will place a limit on how much you can be charged for out-of-pocket expenses, because in the United States of America, no one should go broke because they get sick.

- And insurance companies will be required to cover, with no extra charge, routine checkups and preventive care, like mammograms and colonoscopies, because there's no reason we shouldn't be catching diseases like breast cancer and colon cancer before they get worse. That makes sense, it saves money, and it saves lives.

- Now, if you're one of the tens of millions of Americans who don't currently have health insurance, the second part of this plan will finally offer you quality, affordable choices.

- Individuals will be required to carry basic health insurance -- just as most states require you to carry auto insurance.

Lies Debunked

  -The best example is the claim made not just by radio and cable talk show hosts, but by prominent politicians, that we plan to set up panels of bureaucrats with the power to kill off senior citizens. Now, such a charge would be laughable if it weren't so cynical and irresponsible. It is a lie, plain and simple.

- There are also those who claim that our reform efforts would insure illegal immigrants. This, too, is false. The reforms  I'm proposing would not apply to those who are here illegally.

- And one more misunderstanding I want to clear up -- under our plan, no federal dollars will be used to fund abortions, and federal conscience laws will remain in place.

- Now, I have no interest in putting insurance companies out of business. They provide a legitimate service, and employ a lot of our friends and neighbors. I just want to hold them accountable.

- First, I will not sign a plan that adds one dime to our deficits -- either now or in the future.  Now, part of the reason I faced a trillion-dollar deficit when I walked in the door of the White House is because too many initiatives over the last decade were not paid for -- from the Iraq war to tax breaks for the wealthy. I will not make that same mistake with health care.

I could go on, there was so much great information put out there by our president.

My family needs health care reform. Ezra will not be able to find insurance as an adult, or if he can it will cost him a small fortune. It is known that one of the side effects of chemotherapy is secondary cancers, no insurance company is going to be jumping up to insure him.

Why would you not want this for yourself, your family, and our future?

What if your child gets Cancer?

ezraswing

The argument was brought up on my FB page (by my Republican brother, love you!)  that, people that make unhealthy lifestyle choices (the obese, alcoholics, addicts, etc.) should have to pay more for a health care premium than those that make healthy choices. Which I can see the point in that, its kind of like saying, go ahead eat 3 Big Macs a day, smoke a pack a day,  we’ve  got you covered if something should come up.

However, the reason our country spends so much money on health care is because we are the most obese country out there. Obesity leads to all sorts of health related problems. Please read this article to learn more. We need to look at why our country has the highest obesity rate, and fix it!!

What it really comes down to is there needs to be regulations put on our food, what can be produced, what can be advertised, etc. We need to start there to bring down the cost of the United States health care system. Maybe then people wouldn’t be so upset by the idea of health care reform, because maybe then the United States wouldn’t be spending double the amount per person as the Europeans do.

That is my two cents on it all, I hope I didn’t offend too many.

I read many blogs whose authors are republicans, or have different religious views than I. Many of them write about their political views, and just because I don’t agree with them, I don’t stop reading, or commenting on their blogs. I learn from them. You can’t make a valid argument with out hearing both sides.

I appreciate that we all have different views and opinions, that is what makes life interesting. That is how change comes about.

So if you have been tip-toeing around on your blog as well, I encourage you to stomp your feet. Be proud of who you are, even if everyone else may not agree, you will feel better, I promise.




How to Make a Grab My Button box


Manic Mother

A fellow blogging buddy asked for help creating a “grab my button” box, so I offered to help. She asked if I would write a tutorial on how I did it for her readers. So I did, and here it is for you as well!
It really isn’t as hard as it seems. This tutorial is written under the assumption that you already have a button, you can make one in Microsoft Paint, the most common size is 125x125, or you can use Photoshop if you have it (or for a small fee I can make you one )  To start log in to your Blogger Dashboard, and click on Layout. It should look somewhat like this.
blogger
Click on “Add a Gadget” then choose HTML/Javascript, you should see this (minus my little notes).
box copy
Give your box a title like “Grab my Button” or something more clever if you like. Paste the following code into the box, to copy: highlight and hit CTRL+P, to paste CTRL+V.
<div align="center"> <a href="http://manicmother.com" target="_blank"><img alt="Manic Mother" src="http://i704.photobucket.com/albums/ww47/manicmother/manic_mother.jpg"/></a> </div> <div align="center"> <form><textarea rows="6" cols="20"><center><a href="http://manicmother.com" target="_blank"><img alt="Manic Mother" src="http://i704.photobucket.com/albums/ww47/manicmother/manic_mother.jpg"/></a></center></textarea></form> </div>
Don’t worry you are going to replace all of my info with yours. I know it looks a little daunting, but we will take it step by step.
html1
Where I have highlighted my blog address, replace with yours, watch the quotation marks, its important that the HTML stays exactly same, except for your info. Where I have highlighted my blog name enter yours.
The second step involves the use of Photobucket, if you don’t have a Photobucket account, go get one, and upload your image now. Once you have uploaded your image click on it, and it should bring you to a screen that looks like this:
php copy
Where it says “Direct Link” copy that code, go back to your html box and paste your Photobucket  code in the following spots, replacing mine, again watch your quotation marks.
html2
Click “Save” on the HTML box, and there you have it you should now have a “Grab My Button” box.
If it is not working for you go back, and make sure you deleted my info, and replaced it with yours. Also, check the quotation marks, make sure they are there and that there aren’t too many.