Meet Suzen from Erasing the Bored! Suzen has an incredible way with words, and she is hilarious. I love these Millie stories, its definitely worth the read, it will have you laughing out loud! Thank you Suzen!
Millie Wisdom - Her Take on "Additives"
Millie and I were sitting on her covered porch having coffee. She had just finished pruning and pampering the rose bushes that hugged the perimeter of the porch. The roses provided color for the white background of the house and scented the air with a lovely perfume. Millie still wore her gardening apron with many pockets and her floppy straw hat to shield her from the sun's rays.
"Great hat, Millie!" I said, stirring the cream into my coffee. I almost thought I felt my spoon snap to attention at the strength of her brew.
"I never let the sun on my face - wrinkles, you know? I know I have a FEW, haha! Hard to be over 70 without wrinkles, but why ask for more?" With that, she pulled her face taut with her hands, stretching her skin toward to her hairline and added, "Look what I would look like with a face-lift!"
"Millie, don't pull so hard - your eyeballs want to pop right out of your head!"
"Oh I do this in the mirror from time to time. Have to see if I would still recognize myself!
Hey, look how I can look Japanese." she said, angling the pull a bit.
"Yes, Millie, very exotic!"
"Oh honey, I'd love an exotic look at my age!" she giggled. "I'd put on a geisha dress and strut into the senior center swinging my parasol!"
I tried to picture that. "Millie, I don't think geisha's strut, or swing their parasols. I do think you would be a hit though!" I said laughing.
"Well I'm tellin' you honey, I AM growing extra skin! Look at all this extra stuff!" she said pulling on her jaw line. "I resemble a de-feathered turkey for godsake!" she said, feigning a pout.
"Millie, let us all give great thanks - thanks that you are still here, turkey neck and all!" I teased.
"Oh haha. Listen, I DO give thanks - everyday! More than I can say for these young woman today! Tummy tucks! Fake boobs! Blowing up their lips with jello shots!"
"Millie you mean collagen - jello shots they drink at bars!" I said laughing at her confusion.
"Whatever!" she dismissed. "Mrs. Jensen got those big lip injections. Have you seen her? They are so big but she says they are numb. I say they are DUMB. I heard that her dentures slipped right our during choir practice last week. Those big ole lips didn't hold 'em back!" Millie slapped her thighs and bent over laughing so hard I had to join in.
Once under control, she went on, "We are all given a deck of cards. You can only play hands with what you have got. Some hands are better than others. So be it. You take your deck and do the best you can. Now that's what I believe! If you didn't get the full lips card, so what? You don't go makin' one up or stealin' from another deck. No siree you don't! The good Lord gave you what you got. Deal with it!"
"Aren't there people who, as the saying goes, are a few cards short of a full deck?" I asked, trying to calm her down.
"Oh sure there are, honey! My son David married one of those! That's another whole story! I'm just saying you can't cheat on God. You go ask Mrs. Jensen how thrilled she is NOT about her attempt at that! The other thing - the additive for breast enlargements! That's another thing just frosts me up so I can only imagine what God thinks of THAT!"
"Well it's very popular, Millie."
"Let me tell you something about breasts!" Her eyes lit up. She scooted to the edge of her chair. I felt a revelation coming on as only Millie could give.
"Breasts are FAT!" she said in a hushed ton as if anyone was listening to us out on her country porch. "It's FAT! And I'll tell you how I know this fact."
"I'm all ears, Millie" I said grinning.
"Well, whenever I went on a diet to reduce the bulk on my butt and gut after having kids, the first place I lost inches was my breasts. Once when I lost 35 pounds, they all but disappeared altogether! I'm tellin you, I had to buy smaller bras - the little sizes. Not smaller pants, mind you, smaller bras! Oh no, butt fat is a different fat I learned.
"My husband John was in shock back then. He saw me dressing once and said "Millie, my God! What happened? Where are your breasts?" I just replied, "Look lower John. They melted, fat that they are, and joined my butt, but look, John, I still have a fluffy, breasty fat butt!" He told me to quit dieting! Can you imagine?!"
"So boobs are fat, huh?" I asked for some confirmation.
"Absolutely!" she said sitting up primly in her chair matter-of-factly. "You take what you get and say thank you. It's your allotment and you don't mess with it."
Many times since that day, I've mused over the idea of "getting a pair" myself. But I'm haunted by Millie's wisdom on additives. I guess I'll keep my deck just the way it was dealt. And when I see my husband drooling over big booby movie stars on tv, I try, (try being the operative word) to comfort myself by thinking he is just lusting after FAT.
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